’cause I know. Im so slow.

But Im trying, and Im still dying to know. Say you won’t leave for the rest of my life.”

 

I got a new tattoo. It’s the first 2 lines of Glycerine. Imagine that. That makes number 9. It was a tattoo I’d been wanting to get for the longest time and last night sitting here with Jonathan Kent running his mouth while Capt. America was at work, I just thought I really need a new tattoo, so that’s what I did.

We drank. The Capt. and I . On Monday night. All did not go well. I laid down with the superheros when they woke up and fell asleep. Capt. thought it would be a good idea to go through my phone. I have nothing to hide so that really did not bother me. But he read a message between Carrie Bradshaw and I where I told her about the hard no including what it really is. And he freaked out. To the point of packing his shit up while I was asleep and started to leave till he realized how drunk he was.

This is the part that bothered me. The packing of the shit and leaving while I Was asleep with my boys. Did I understand he was hurt and upset I had told Carrie? Yes I Did. But he wasn’t just walking out on me. He was walking out on the superheros and the future we had planned when I was fighting so hard to stay.

Fighting. It’s always me doing the fighting to make the relationship work. Its always me compromises and giving me. ID like to be in a relationship where I felt like someone fought for me.

Everything worked out with Capt. We talked it out… and I told him he either had to be in for the good and the bad or he had to be out for both. That I couldn’t have him packing in the middle of the night and the littles not being able to find him in the morning. I told him I didn’t just let him in my life, I let him in there’s, and they depend on him to be there in the morning just like I do.

I’m going to get my heart-broken into a  million pieces. I don’t know if it will be because of the hard no, or something else. But I can already feel it, I already know its going to happen. I’m going to lose him. Planning a future with him is just a waste. Something is going to happen to drive him away, and Im going to be crushed. And alone. I hate being alone.

I should mention that 9 years ago, this month, we lost Starfire. I plan on writing a blog about that soon. When its just me here, and I can sob my way through it.

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