“Cause you were just a small bump unborn.

For four months then torn from life.”

So I have written before about having a daughter who died, Starfire. But I never go into great detail about how she died or the circumstances surrounding her death. Im going to give a trigger warning now for abortion, post partum depression, and a big fuck you before you start sprouting pro life crap at me.

Heres your warning.

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Ready?

When I was 25, Jonathan Kent and I got pregnant. It was a planned wanted loved pregnancy. We found on June 27,2009. I will never forget the pure love I felt when I saw those 2 pink lines, or the joy I had in me for five months. It was a routine happy pregnancy. I did everything I was supposed to. I took the prenatals.  I didn’t eat lunch meat or fish. I slept on my left side. I didn’t lift anything. Everything was running smoothly. Our first ultrasound at 12 weeks was normal. We were on track to having a baby on March 9, 2010.

On October 7,2009 we went in for our fetal anatomy scan. To me, this was just to find out the baby’s sex. And that’s what we and our whole family were excited for. I wasn’t all that concerned with the rest because Id made it through the first trimester so I thought the worry was over.

The whole scan was off. The girl that normally did them wasn’t there. And the one who was, was very quiet through the whole thing. I asked a few questions Could you still see the heartbeat? Was the baby growing? Could she tell what the baby was? She answered the questions until we got to the last one. She put down her wand and said ” Im pretty sure its a girl, but there is something showing up on my scan and the dr needs to come in and talk to you.”

My heart sank. I knew in the depths of my soul that if my daughter wasn’t already dead, she was dying.

My dr came in and sat down. She said ” I don’t want to worry you because this is quite common. But it looks like your baby has water on the brain, or hydrocephalus.”  I asked what that meant and she said again it was water on the brain, but it was common, and they would do a little surgery at birth to place a shunt and it would all be fine. So she got us a referral to a maternal fetal medicine specialist that Friday, and we went on our way.

I was a mess. An absolute mess. Of course, I mean who wouldn’t be. Jonathan Kent held his shit together well. Not me. I had to take off work and googled everything I could about hydrocephalus. I learned that there is variations of it, and the outcome all depends on the degree of severity. I read blogs of parents of children living with it and I thought ” Ok, I can manage this. This doesn’t seem so bad.  A few delays. A helmet. But a life. A happy healthy manageable life. ”

Then on Oct 9 we went to the MFMS. On the ride up there, our parents were planning the baby shower. This is how much we all still believed we were having a baby. We were planning a baby shower on what would be my last ride as the me I used to be.

The optimistic happy healthy vibrant smiling cheerful me. That woman does not exist anymore. She makes appearances and I act like her as much as possible but that women was left on hwy 23.

The MFMS were not as optimistic as my doctor had been to say the least.   They thought because of the way she held her hands that it was a trisomy, particularly 13, which is fatal. They also mentioned holoprosencephly. I had to have to an amniocentesis done that day. And if you’ve never had one done, its like something out of a horror movie. The needle is long and big. And it hurts like hell. A deep hurt you feel your soul because your only doing this for the simple fact you know your daughter is dying and youd take any needle if you thought it would stop it.

They also advised me that because of the abortion laws in my state, 1) we were on a tight schedule. I only had days to decide to carry to term or end the pregnancy. 2)  I had to sign the abortion consent papers that day just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the 24 hour waiting period should that be my decision.

I signed the papers that day to end my pregnancy already knowing the outcome.

I didn’t know if she had a trisomy, or this holoprosen whatever, but she had something and it was killing her.

The next few days are a blur of me crying, praying, and searching for any child living with these diseases. There are a few but if you google you’ll see they aren’t really living. They are just there and most are suffering, and all have low qualities of life. So Im 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I go to meet with my states top pediatric geneticist. I was leaving no stone unturned. I asked what her quality of life would be.

And I was told that should I choose to carry to term, no life saving techniques would be used on my daughter because her condition was too dire. That she would be in immense pain the entire time she was alive. That we could not hold her because the stimulation from it would cause her too much pain. She would spend her entire tiny little life in a box with tubes without feeling me hold her.

I had every test imaginable done. I had a fetal echo, fetal MRI, multiple ultrasounds by multiple doctors in 3 different hospitals. And it all came back the same. This baby either has a trisomy or holoprosencephaly. The amniotic test came back clean ironically. So that ruled out those 2 disorders. However, my daughter still had agenus of the corpus callosum so bad that the entire left hemisphere of her brain was gone. The left side of her face did not develop. She had no nose or left eye socket. She had no kidneys, and her stomach was on the outside of her body. She also had a heart issue.So while my daughter does fit into a certain box, you can see she was very very sick and would not have survived.

On October 19,2009 I meet with the lady who would perform my abortion. She explained the process to me. She hugged me and she cried with me. She told me how sorry she was.  She didn’t want me in her office for that reason. On Oct 20, I had the lumniaria placed. It hurt. It hurt so bad I couldn’t stand.. But I felt like I deserved the pain, and to an extent I still feel that way.

I felt my daughter kick for the last time the morning of Oct 21,2009 on the way to the hospital. I cried the whole time. I begged for a different outcome, for them to do anything to fix her. But they couldn’t.

Im not going to go into details about the procedure, mostly because I don’t remember. I do know I asked to hold her and was told I couldn’t.  They couldn’t tell if she had hair, and her deformities were visible.

 

3 days later, Jonathan Kent and I got married. I tried to call off the wedding but he refused. I was still bleeding and miserable. In all the wedding pictures I look like a shell of a bride.

And that’s how I felt. Until I found out I was pregnant with my hero, Batman. He saved my life.

What I hope you take away from this is how much I love my daughter. That I love her enough that I could not allow her to suffer in any way shape or form.I want you to know how much I wanted to hold her and that I had a future planned for her. And I want you to think about that the next time you think I would never have an abortion or think of someone who has as a murderer.  Some of us are parents who love and want our children. Who grieve for them 9 years later. Some of us were left with nothing more then a heartbreaking choice.

Starfire passed at 6:03 am, October 21,2009.

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’cause I know. Im so slow.

But Im trying, and Im still dying to know. Say you won’t leave for the rest of my life.”

 

I got a new tattoo. It’s the first 2 lines of Glycerine. Imagine that. That makes number 9. It was a tattoo I’d been wanting to get for the longest time and last night sitting here with Jonathan Kent running his mouth while Capt. America was at work, I just thought I really need a new tattoo, so that’s what I did.

We drank. The Capt. and I . On Monday night. All did not go well. I laid down with the superheros when they woke up and fell asleep. Capt. thought it would be a good idea to go through my phone. I have nothing to hide so that really did not bother me. But he read a message between Carrie Bradshaw and I where I told her about the hard no including what it really is. And he freaked out. To the point of packing his shit up while I was asleep and started to leave till he realized how drunk he was.

This is the part that bothered me. The packing of the shit and leaving while I Was asleep with my boys. Did I understand he was hurt and upset I had told Carrie? Yes I Did. But he wasn’t just walking out on me. He was walking out on the superheros and the future we had planned when I was fighting so hard to stay.

Fighting. It’s always me doing the fighting to make the relationship work. Its always me compromises and giving me. ID like to be in a relationship where I felt like someone fought for me.

Everything worked out with Capt. We talked it out… and I told him he either had to be in for the good and the bad or he had to be out for both. That I couldn’t have him packing in the middle of the night and the littles not being able to find him in the morning. I told him I didn’t just let him in my life, I let him in there’s, and they depend on him to be there in the morning just like I do.

I’m going to get my heart-broken into a  million pieces. I don’t know if it will be because of the hard no, or something else. But I can already feel it, I already know its going to happen. I’m going to lose him. Planning a future with him is just a waste. Something is going to happen to drive him away, and Im going to be crushed. And alone. I hate being alone.

I should mention that 9 years ago, this month, we lost Starfire. I plan on writing a blog about that soon. When its just me here, and I can sob my way through it.

“Please don’t ever become a stranger

whose laugh I can recognize anywhere.”

I’ve been sober for 5 days. That’s an accomplishment. It hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been as hard as I thought. 

Things are running smoothly. Robin has started on his ADHD medication and it is helping so much. No more calls from school or videos from the teacher. He’s been in the green everyday since he’s been on it.

Things are not so much better with Batman. He still feels like I’ve ruined his life and he blames me for everything. His father has done no wrong and I have done everything wrong.

Captain America and I are getting along fine. He hasn’t drank in 5 days either, so it’s a joint decision. Its one we needed to make for the boys and ourselves.

I’m not saying I am an alcoholic. I never had like physical symptoms when I didn’t drink and I did not have to drink everyday nor it interfere with my everyday life.  But I could easily see a problem developing so I took control of it, and took care of the situation. That’s what an adult does, and I can at least pretend to be an adult sometimes.

 

” 3 months

And I’m still sober. ”

I wish I could say I hadn’t fallen back into my old pattern where I’m black out drunk 3 nights a week. I wish I could say I didn’t think about drinking when I’m sober and when I can drink again.

I wish I could, but I cant.

Is that the difference between being an alcoholic and not being one? Where is the line at? I drink 3-4 nights a week, getting drunk at least 3 nights a week. I still function the next day, still can take care of my children and hold down a job.

A job which I quit today, by the way.

But am I an alcoholic or do I just rely on liqur to get me through the tough times, and put it down when its better?I was happily sober for 8 years. Then I fell off the wagon and fell hard. Now everyday, its a question of am I drinking after the superheroes go to sleep? And when I drink, I drink hard. Like its my birthday everyday.

I had an eye opener about a week ago, when I found out the hard no. And Ive been trying to be more aware of how much alcohol I am drinking and bringing into the house. And IVe only drank 2 times in the past 10 days. Which is huge for me. Little victories.  Last night was even more of an eye opener and I know I cant keep encouraging this type of behavior between Captain American and I. Even though we are fun when we drink, and were not the type of couple who fight during the drinking, its not the right environment for us. Because of the hard no.

Back to my job.

Id had enough. I quit my ABA job, I mentioned that didn’t I? That I Wasn’t getting enough hours, and took a position at a local elementary school working as a one on one aide for kids with disabilities. Anyway, Ive been doing that for a month.

And I fucking hate it.

Not the job. I love the JOB itself. I just do not like the little girl. And I know how mean that sounds. How could not like a little girl, especially one with disabilities? Well no two kids are the same as so many parents with children who have this particular disorder will tell you, and this little girl is no different. Shes a hellion. Not because of her disability.But because she has no discipline and is not made to do anything, including respect adults.

I truly dislike the little girl, and everyday is a struggle to make myself go to work. So today, I’m on my period, Ive been fighting with Jonathan Kent, Batman and Robin haven’t been sleeping, I’m stressed about money, and this little girl is wild. She is lit from the get go and will not listen to anything. So I let her do what she wants. You want to hide under the table and not do you work? Fine go ahead. But then she starts hitting me for no reason. I mean wailing on me. Shes not a small little girl and I am. So I sent my supervisor a message stating I wanted to switch to being a substitute instead of a full time aide. And just like that my full time career was over.

Its a relief. I feel like I can breathe.

Actually, I feel like a nervous wreck and I’m scared to death that Ive made the wrong decision, as it seems I have about everything lately.

I feel like I’m just taking bits and pieces of my life and throwing it down the drain. Oh that seems like the right thing to do? Let me do the opposite and we will see how that works.

Ive been fucking up daily for so long it seems that’s all I know how to do.

I wish I could say I’m making the right decision about Captain America but my gut, my heart and my head all agree I’m gonna get hurt in the end.

I wish I could say I made the right choice about my job, but I don’t know. Only time will tell.

I know I am making the right choice to not drink as much. That’s a no brainer.

I know I made the wrong decision about the timber.

I wish I could say I made the right decision about leaving Jonathan Kent. But whose it the right choice for? Me? yes. The boys? NO.

Thank you for reading this if you did. It was a long rambling one.

This month also marks the 9 year anniversary of when Starfire died. My emotions will be all over the place.

I’m just not in a good place.

 

“If I just walked away, what would you even say?”

” And I don’t know.

This could break my heart or save me”

I found the but.

In my relationship with Captain America. The reason hes not perfect. I found out what has been holding him or me or whatever back.

Its a deal breaker.

Its a hard no, hard pass, hard makes me want to run away crying.

I have to think of my children first, and him last.

So I gave him an ultimatum and he made the right choice.

However, I don’t know that I believe him. Trust is such a fragile thing. And once its been broken, its so hard to get back.

Once my hearts been broken, its so hard for me to think clearly.

I can’t say I trust him. I don’t trust me to follow through with the ultimatum because I love this man so damn much.

I want a life with him. I want to marry him and have more children. I want to grow old with him. I have never experienced love like this before.

But its a hard no. …..

“Someday, when we’re at the same place. When we’re on the same road. When its ok to hold me hand.”

” When I taste Tequila

Baby I still see ya.”

I am at an impasse. There are so many stressors in my life right now. But the main thing that always got me through, that has stood b through all my ups and downs, that’s been a constant in my life, has been alcohol.

Ill be the first to admit that I am way to dependent on it. Getting shit faced 3x a week at 35 is not ideal.

I don’t know how to stop. Ive been sober for a little over 36 hours and I’m already thinking about the next time I can drink. I only drink when my kids are asleep or when with Jonathan Kent. I still get up and do the motherly things and I don’t get so hungover I Cant work or take care of them. But I do get so drunk that if their was an emergency in the middle of the night I wouldn’t be able to drive them to the hospital.

And that’s not the only thing that is stressing me. I don’t miss my marriage to Jonathan Kent. Because quite frankly, it was hell. But I do miss being a family. I do miss having the father of my children under the same roof. I do miss being able to say yes I am still with the father of my children. I do miss that.

And my I miss Batman not looking at me like he hates me all the time. He hates me. Despises me for breaking up his family and taking away his daddy. Robin, he doesn’t care. Hes fine with whatever. As long as hes got me, hes fine.

And I Started a new job. I wasn’t getting enough hours doing the ABA and frankly, I was burnt out. But this one. This job is much physically and mentally harder. Its a one on one attendant to student who have disabilities. Its the same field I suppose, but I’m just not providing therapy to them. I’m just trying to get them through the day.

Robin goes Wednesday to be put on ADHD medication. He isn’t able to focus on school nd is a distraction to other students. Its a hard pill to swallow.

I’m trying to sell land to pay for my divorce and impending wedding.  They have to go back through and do what is called a title search, and where I had to buy it from all my aunts and uncles, they have to include them in it as well.  If they have liens against them (from what I understand) then I may not be able to sell the land. I could have misunderstood the land guy, and  I’m hoping I am.

Jonathan Kent is seeing other girls boobs.

These are reasons I drink. This is why I get blackout drunk on  a regular basis. So many stressors, and vodka is such a good stress reliever…

“almost always pick the best times

to drop the worst lines. ”

 

Oh I’m a mess.  I’m just a mess. I don’t know what else to say.

Lets take a very depressed girl, throw in some alcohol, a divorce and a new relationship and see what the product is.

The product is me. And I’m a mess.

I cannot keep my shit together. At least not in my head. In my head I’m fucking crazy. I’m able to hold it together in life and for the boys but inside I’m breaking down.

I love Captain America, and I want a life with him. But everytime I look at him,   I know its not going to happen. I don’t know why but I feel like I should just cut ties and run instead of letting it run its course. He is hands down the best boyfriend I have every had. And I love him like Ive never loved anyone before. But theres just a but and I cant put my finger on it.

I feel like hes holding something back. Or maybe I’m holding something back. Maybe I’m just being the best version of me and not showing him the true me.

Maybe that’s the problem.

And Jonthan Kent is dating or seeing someone or whatever. And it drives me crazy even though I can never show it.  And I shouldn’t let it bother me. I have a live in boyfriend whom I live. Its just hard to let go of a 10 year marriage and not feel just a little jealous.

I’m allowed to grieve for it and miss the marriage.But I’m a drunken mess. I’m drunk about every other night. and I’m still able to get up and get my kids ready and take care of them.  So  I don’t really see the promlem except when I wake up in the morning and cant remember the night before.

This is the mess. I haven’t created a mess with the men. or the divorce. Ive created a mess with my need for alcohol and how often I turn to it. And on the nights I don’t drink, I think about drinking. Mess mess mess. mess mess mess.

 

“Must be for real.

Cos now I can feel.”

Glycerine is one of my favorite songs ever. It has been for as long as I can remember. I used to listen to it over and over again, on repeat. It drove everyone crazy, because lets face it, its a pretty depressing song.

It has many different emotions in it. Is it a love song? Or a break up song? A song about sex? Ive related it to many different parts of my life.

But this post isn’t about my love for Glycerine and lack of love for everything else Bush. No. Its the fact that I got drunk and decided to walk down the aisle to the instrumental version of Glycerine, because that is beautiful. ( “You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.”)

I can picture my wedding to Captain America so easily. It doesn’t even seem weird to me that I am knee deep in planning a wedding when I’m not even divorced yet. Until I stop and think about it. Then I realize that I am the same girl I was 10 years ago who decided to marry a man in minutes simply because he said he’d never marry. I’m the same girl with the same drinking problem and dependency issues and I’m not getting any better.

I’m just better at hiding it. I so look like I have my shit together. My make up and hair look good each day. My kids are always dressed nice and clean. My purse usually matches my outfit. I’m at all the soccer practices and games with my hat and team shirt. I volunteer for the PTO. I have a great job.

I look like  the picture perfect mom.

But I’m a fucking mess.

I moved Jonathan Kent out. And the same day, moved CAptain America in. Because history repeats itself.

Do I love Captain America? absolutely. I could tell from our first kiss that  this was the way I was meant to be kissed. From the first time we had sex, I knew it was different from every other time in my life.

Do I think Captain America is the One? Fuck I don’t know. I never thought Jonathan Kent was the One, however I did think my teenage husband was the One.

He’s not just mr.right now though I do know that.

I’m rambling.

Point is, I’m rushing. Rushing rushing rushing. We are going to a fertility specialist Oct 1, and then planning on a wedding either on New Years Eve or sometime in June.

Or I should say, I am planning. I am the one pushing all this. Not him. Hes just along for the ride. But he is invested in this endeavor and wants all these things. I’m just the one pushing for this.

And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m pushing, rushing. Captain America is in it for the long haul and not planning on leaving.

“My reputations never been worse, so you must like me for me

We can’t make any promise now, can we, babe?”

 

I move at breakneck speed. Have I mentioned that Ive been married before? I seem to have an MO.

I was married 11 years ago to another man. He hurt me emotionally and physically and it was a terrible time in my life. I carry my share of the blame for being an immature 19-year-old thinking I could be a women. The marriage ended, but before my husband had even moved out, I was seeing Jonathan Kent. Not as my boyfriend, but we were spending time together and eventually sleeping together. The whole him not being my boyfriend is a whole other blog.

So I moved out one boy, and moved another man in. Within a 3 month period, Jonathan Kent and I were living together. And I knew we would get married for the simple fact that he told me he never wanted to get married. I knew I would prove him wrong.

Ive come to realize I can be a very toxic person.

Anyway, Jonathan Kent and I spilt up on a Thursday. On Sunday, I was in a relationship with Captain America. I don’t remember the exact date, but sometime that week I said I love you and asked him to move in. We are now considering IVF, and  planning on getting married in June. He is not technically living here, because Jonathan Kent still lives here and that would be too weird

Some pattern, 11 years apart. I can’t be alone. I don’t know how to be. And a part of me wonders if the main reason I am so obsessed ,for lack of a better word, with Captain America is because he is the first one to really show interest in me since things in my marriage got really bad. I didn’t tell Jonathan Kent I wanted a divorce and really stick with it, until I knew Captain America was into me. I made sure I had someone waiting in the wings.

I haven’t been with very many people. 4. Ive only been with 4 people. I haven’t had that many relationships. Ive been in relationships ever since I was 15, but they all lasted a long time. This all goes back to I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to sleep alone. How to not have someone to depend on. How not to be some bodies someone. Ive been a girlfriend, fiancé or wife for the last 18 years.

Who the fuck am I ? Without the influence of a husband or boyfriend, who am I?

Do I like quiet nights cuddled up with a book or would I prefer to be out in a loud bar?

Do I really enjoy football or is it a taste I’ve picked up along the way?

I couldn’t tell you my favorite color right now if I had to .

But I could pick out a color pattern for a wedding in a second.

I know what is best for me, and most healthy would be to make Jonathan Kent move out, break up with Captain America, and spend time focused on me and the littles.

I know this. I was a psychology major. I understand the dependency issues I have.

But Ill keep forging ahead, at break neck speed. I’m sure soon Ill be posting about the color pattern,

I wanna hold you, even when I’m not supposed to

The separation is taking its toll on everyone is my house, in my life. I’m trying to balance my husbands feelings wants and needs, and build this new relationship with Captain America.  My husband wants very much now to be a husband and do all the things husbands and wives do, and act the part, and say the things. And it just makes me cry.

And before anyone points out the obvious, I am aware that I rushed right into a relationship. I can’t do alone. I cant. I don’t react well, I react drunkenly and that is not an option with the superheros.. So to fill the void, to not feel lonely and used, I ran right head first into a relationship with a man Ive known all my life. Smart? Probably not. But he makes me happy.  So for the most part it is working out. Though it is a juggling act trying to spend time with the superheros, see Capt, and keep Jonathan Kent under control.

It is also very hard to grieve for my marriage. Nobody seems to understand that I am sad about the dismantling of a 10 year 2 child marriage. Were things always great? Hell no. But did we have some good years and produce 2 wonderful children? Hell yes.

Jonathan Kent also made a revelation that shook me to my core yesterday and made me rethink our entire relationship.

When we first started talking, I was already married to another man. Hes a villain so we are going to call him Joker, because hes a total nut job. Anyway, this marriage was over, I had found out he had cheated on me, so I cheated on him with Bane ( another villain), and it was over, but the Joker was such a nut case that everything was 10 times harder then it needed to me. He stalked me. He broke into my house. He physically abused and assaulted me. It was a terrible dark time in my life and I stayed drunk for an entire 6 months to deal with it. Hence why I don’t do alone.

But I wasn’t alone, you see. I was with Jonathan Kent almost immediately after The Joker moved out. Or I thought I was. We were having sex. We were spending all our time together, going out, spending time with his kid, I thought we were in a relationship. Until one night he told me, ” I’m not your boyfriend.” This hurt me more then I could have imagined, because I already cared for this man. I already thought we were building a relationship. I thought he was my knight in shinning armor, come to sweep me away from this psycho ex husband.

Anyway, this sent me into a downward spiral. And I Drank, and talked to many men who were not Jonathan Kent. They were not villains, they were just characters in my story who never got the time they deserved. Anyway, this made Jonathan Kent jealous, and he finally decided he wanted to be in a relationship. This made me happy and I thought this was my happy ending. So I thought. Fast forward to now, and I know I never found my glass slipper, and the clock struck midnight and I ran away from prince charming.

Yesterday, while school shopping , Jonathan Kent told me that in the beginning of our relationship, our actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I meant nothing to him more then just a piece of ass. That he was worried I would start sleeping with someone else so he basically marked his territory by calling me his girl. He didn’t have feelings for me, or care about me. He didn’t even really like me. He just wanted sex, and wanted no one else getting it from me.

He said he wasn’t sure how long it was before he actually cared about me , but it was awhile.

I loved this man. I loved his child. I took care of his child, and spent large amounts of money on them. I gave up my home, my cats, to be with this man.

And I was nothing more then a piece of ass.

Looking back there was signs, and I should have known. It was apparent, and I remember one of my close friends saying they didn’t know if they trusted him to my jonathan kent or not. looking back, he broke my heart from our first date and I was just too stupid to give in.

I keep telling myself it was worth it because I have my children. My superheroes, my littles. But Captain America was around back then, and the other characters that didn’t get the time. I could have had a life with them, and been happy and loved. I wasted 10 years on a man who only looked at me as a piece of ass.

All Ive ever been to him is someone to cook clean and fuck when he wanted to.

Why should I grieve this marriage? Why should I care about this man or his feelings?