Hold you in.And now,I know you’ve always been. Out of your head”
I’m alone tonight. The heroes are with Jonathan Kent and Captain America is working a double. So for the first time in I don’t know how long, I am alone, and I am sober.
This is triggering for me, because I’m not used to silence anymore. I’m not comfortable with it. My first thought after I realized how alone I was and would be was it’s good weather for a drink. And it is. It’s hoodie cool, perfect to sit out on the porch and sip whiskey. We live in the country so there are all kinds of sounds to listen to as well as the neighbors.
I thought about the warmth trickling down my throat. Warming me from the inside out, and making everything calmer, a bit hazy. I thought about how normal it would be to end this evening with a drink. And that I could stop at one, because I wouldn’t want to get sloppy.
Then I let the dog and the cold air blasted me in my face and I realized I had to shut that train of thought down. I cannot glamorize my alcohol abuse with calmness and normal and ok. I have to see for it was to stay sober. I was selfish for over a year. I don’t remember whole days. I missed out on things with my family and friends because I was too “sick”.
4 years ago, this all started as a drink every now and then. Then it was every weekend, then every other day. Then every day. It took my best friends mom dying after being an alcoholic for 30 years for me to wake up. It took me wrecking my body and being put in the hospital. It took me thinking I had done permanent damage to my liver.
I can never just have one drink. I can’t open myself up to that. So as triggering as tonight will be, with the silence and sleeping alone, I will just have to power through. Because not only do my boys deserve a healthy present Mommy, but I deserve to be a healthy present Mommy.